Soooo...F my little F***BUDDIES is for FABULOUSNESS!!!!!!!!

I'm thinking Ferragamo= fantastically luxurious Italian accessories and Fendi= famous for baguette handbags (designed by our darling Karl Lagerfeld)- I can only dream.

Let me tell you a few more of my 'FAVOURITE THINGS' (all together now!)

Shiny new lipglosses

Tackle on toyboys

Sparkling stilettos

And a vintage red Rolls Royce

The gleam of the sun

On my diamond earrings

These are a few of my favourite things!

I would like to put a word in for fast-living women- women who fly by the seat of their Frankie Morello pants. These good-time gals are easily recognisable by their hectic social lives and careers sometimes combined with kids whilst they still look FABULOUS!...Yummy mummies are sooo cool. Their appearance is gorgeous- stylish and yet still fun and sexy- This is the category my friends are in. Keep chic ladies!

F is possibly my Favourite letter; I'm thinking Fantasies- both sexual and material, Fetish (Oh for a man with a foot-fetish-the shoes! The SHOES!), and filth. We all need a little filth from time to time and if you tried Erotic Art (SEE E) you'll have realised that even kid's paint doesn't wash off easily. Here's to mouldy looking breasts and nipple prints -courtesy of TB who gladly joined in the paintathon!

For a true Fashiontastic film watch 'Coco before Chanel' and delight in the thought of a chic monochrome wardrobe!

Before I go.. Brush up on your French, whisper 'embrace moi' to your lover and see if it causes a stirring in the trouser section.

The Erection section...How often are we deceived by men's packets? There are many guides to size, I personally have tried guessing from the look of hands and feet, nose and many other ways... Let me know your tricks for estimating the erection! I suppose the only surefire way is to get up close and slow dance. Unless a friend can give a reference.

Finally, E is for Equal opportunities Employer. Be one- step out of your safety zone when dating. Try someone older/younger/richer/poorer. Don't always stick to your usual types- you may be pleasantly surprised by them (and let me know if the estimated erection plans work!)

If we are trying to be elegant I would advise against taking up extreme sports. My friend 'V' recently went BMXing- how elegant did she look with her black eye when she fell off? Not very!

E is for engagement rings...how many is too many? Start a collection, even if you never have to sell them you can have the stones re-set into a necklace or bracelet.

Under E we must find a little time for Erotica- both art and literature- read some Nancy Friday and discover a world of fantasies or create some erotic art yourself.

E is for...

E is for elegance. Get swept away by the spirit of the 1940s and 1950s and admire the wonderful swimming costumes worn by Esther Williams. note how her maquillage remains perfect after swimming under water! See how she smiles as she glides through the bubbles!

Watch Esther 's swimming sequences at http://www.youtube.com/watchv=sGMoRHq_pMY . Whilst we're being elegant listen to some Ella Fitzgerald; the lady sounds like Silk Cut and honey. Slip on some elbow-length gloves and bright red lipstick- FABULOUS!

We need to have beautifully smooth and glowing skin so don't forget to Exfoliate. Try mixing olive oil with fine brown sugar, stand in the bath whilst rubbing the mixture in a circular motion. Rinse off in the bath for sexy skin!

Create an evening of Enchantment- re-read 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' and wish you were Titania - Queen of the fairies- design her a dress!

D is for Dressing up for sex. It's fun and free (if you make your outfits)! May as well give it a go. It doesn't have to be a particular theme (although I favour French maid, nurse and dominatrix). It works just as well in a see-through nightie or even just knickers and heels. And what's stopping the blokes? Get your man to be a Dr.Satisfaction or a Fireman Sam, he could even be Burglar Bill and surprise you in the bath! Don't be shy because D is all about daring and desire.

DHA skincare from Japan- gorgeous products based around olive oil- the great thing is you get free samples each month if you sign up to the magazine. I'm loving the cleansing powder and soap.

DIVINE GODDESS_DITA VON TEESEI really can't fault her style; that alabaster complexion, scarlet lips and air of grown-up sensuality is to die for.

D is for depressed, if your'e feeling a little dismal go to Wicks hardware store. No seriously they have the funniest section called door furniture- how elegant is that a word for handles???!!! Makes me laugh every time!

Dirty nails- quicker to polish them than wash up!

Dirty talk- do it do it do it! Always use darling, or a similar term of endearment- don't muddle up the names for Christ's sake!

Dirty texts- encourage these and send them back...WARNING don't send pictures that show your face. A glimpse of your curves is far more discreet yet still desirable.

Dirty underwear- some men like the thought of this. Good to know that if we're ever destitute we can sell our knickers on ebay!

The duchess of D's

Darlings!

Are we not delightful today? Do we not dazzle ourselves when we spy our reflection in a mirror or shop window? D may well be for delirium and drab but not when we're in town!

D is for Dancing- both Disco (Saturday Night Fever) and Dirty- nobody puts baby in the corner...Nor do they put US in a corner. Not unless they're very brave.

D is for Dangerous Men; checklistbelow:

Eyes- either slightly glazed with too much alcohol or staring intently at you--think snake and mouse, spider and fly, me and vodka. (All the better to see you with)

Clothes- dark, usually black, battered leather jacket, jeans

Natural Habitat- dingy dirty nightclubs (all the better to feel you)

Accessories- cigarettes, whisky, rum, condoms, confidence, a certain sexy stance, an ability to dance, guitar

Mouth- sulky, petulant, generally full lips hiding surpisingly good teeth (all the better to eat you with). One flash of those gleaming gnashers and you're hooked- you'll do anything for another look- BEWARE OF THE DARK SIDE!

Sex Appeal- 100% Need I say more? these men are dangerous, so why do we fall for them? My advice would be to just do it. Get it over with and when they turn out to be a louse- lose 'em.

However...some men look dangerous when actually they are darlings. Johnny Depp- say no more except lucky Vanessa. My very own TB had this edge to him when we first met in a dark and sleazy club, I was hoping for a night or three of pure filth...I'm still getting it 7 months later.

D is for diamonds. Think Marilyn in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 'A kiss may be grand but it won't be the rental on your humble flat, or help you at the automat'...We all need them if only to pawn when the going gets tough. Invest at once!

D is for Divorce- it's not so bad! Look at Liz Taylor! It's also for DANGER DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE both the signs and the song (Electric Six) I love these signs, maybe I should get one for the front of my house?

Dresses and dinner dates. Be sure you always have one daring dress ready to wear for your dates. You just never know when you'll need it. If your broke, try one of yours on backwards or add loads of beads and leggings then hitch it up with a belt.

CIGARETTES

How could I forget? C is for CIGARETTES...Always cool. How many do I smoke? As my great aunt once said 'as many as I can afford!

Is Cosmopolitan really the only mag that does naked male centrefolds? When we are inundated daily by half-naked females on everything from videos to newspapers? Ridiculous...Come on editors get the boys out!

What would you give for a vintage baby-pink Chanel jacket? I'd allow my little toes to be amputated- I never did have much balance anyway! All hail Coco Chanel and the fabulous Karl Lagerfeld the head designer and creative director.

Ok so let's move onto Cabaret- starring the inimitable Liza Minnelli- go buy a bowler, falsies and a stool...******Hot tip****** do not perform the dance routines when drunk or with the back door unlocked...I once was unpleasantly surprised by a male friend- ah well the show must go on! As Sally Bowles you must down a prairie oyster, paint your nails green and be a total diva- divine decadence darling!

C is also for Champagne, so we should celebrate with a bottle whilst watching My Fair Lady and singing along...'The night they invented champagne, it's plain as plain can be they thought of you and me' etc...pure gorgeousness!

On a quiet night in why not check out Christies? This auction house has a truly amazing selection of jewels--- emeralds and diamonds and rubies oh my! Or you can borrow my catalogues (gorgeous gift from my best friend!)

Whilst we're being cultured I highly recommend the author Angela Carter ( The Bloody Chamber, The Sadeian Woman). Her sexy twist on classic fairy tales will leave you thrilled. And we all need those sappy heroines to be a bit cooler don't we?!

Chill make-up, feet and vodka in your fridge- let's face it we can eat chocolate at any temperature!

Let's end C by saying get creative! Be Charming Courageous and have Confidence in those Curves! Ciao xxx************WARNING*****************Do not read further if sensitive

This is for my luscious ladies who like liquor....You ready??????????????????????????

C**T- My favourite word! XXX

Curves, Charm, Charisma and Confidence

C is for so many cool things!

Clarke Gable- The King of Hollywood; swoon over him in Gone with the Wind, drool over him in It Happened One Night (sales of vests plummeted after he undressed to reveal his naked chest!)...You gotta love an old fashioned hero! And, his 3rd wife Carole Lombard was named the Queen of Screwball Comedy. What a fantastic couple!

Talking of heroes here's another of mine- Che Guevara, instrumental in the Cuban Revolution working alongside Fidel Castro he not only had a huge cigar but he was a freedom fighter- what an amzing guy- let's all go to Cuba while Communism is still alive and celebrate its diversity.

B s also for Benetint by Benefit. A truly beautiful bottle of joy. Dab it on lips and cheeks for the perfect rosy stain. I bought mine in April and it's still half-full. Great value. (Can also be used on nipples when your wearing a sheer bra!

And let's all give a big cheer for Breakfast at Tiffany's! Pearls, Givenchy dresses, cigarette holders and Holly Golightly! Not to be missed!

Botox- should I or not? I think I'll stick with the bum cream (see A) for now...

B is for bootie- both shaking it and stealing it, pirate fashion. B is also for brave.. be brave in your fashion choices and don't be a follower. Celebrate your own style!

We can't forget Boyfriends. A list of requirements for the perfect boyfriend follows:

1. Must treat you like a princess/goddess at all times

2. Understands that you are higher than a usual mortal and must act accordingly

3. Groinage to be largish

4. Wallet to be open

5. Needs a willingness to cook and clean- I'm not talking lavatory licking- just general housey stuff

6. He is to be trained in the art of unselfish pleasure...if you know what I mean

7. Looks, sense of humour, style etc to be left to individual girlfriend to choose but should feature

(My Boyfriend has just completed his initiation period and is now enjoying training stage 1. TB is shaping up nicely. He still has a few rough edges to smooth out (ie. Doesn't always automatically walk road side to protect me from carriage splashes) but I have reason to believe he will achieve a high standard of boyfriend when training is complete.)

B is also for Balenciaga, check it out.

Best friends- everyone needs one. Make sure yours is Better than anyone else's.

DESIRABLE QUALITIES IN A BEST FRIEND INCLUDE:

A closed mouth- we don't want our friends telling our secrets after 10 too many vodkas do we??? (Hint to mine- zip it!)

A willingness to party like a crazy freak

A desire to exchange clothes and make-up regularly (never choose a best friend who has a different size shoe- pure madness will follow when you swap on a night out. You don't want to have to carry scissors to create peep toes now do you?)

An easy to remember telephone number

An incredible imagination- when you're going to be 'late' home she is the one who'll be ringing to advise your boyfriend that you're in casualty with a broken ankle and won't be home til Monday

Note to my best friend...you are utterly fabulous and a true rocking friend (even when you spill the beans about our adventures!)

B is for Bondage. Try it it's fun. Make sure you use sex tape as it's easy to get out. Not recommended for first dates- check he's not a total freaking psychopath before you're handcuffed to the bed. Don't forget to have a safe word- Ken Dodd would be mine.

A is also for Audrey- not the most amazing of names until you remember Audrey Hepburn and Tautou...now we can see why it's fabulous.

A is for audacious= something we should aspire to be. Let's not forget An American in Paris! Music by Gershwin, with Gene Kelly and Leslie Caron showcasing their amazing dance routines- as the song goes who could ask for anything more?

A is for advocado...now some people believe that smearing this green gunge on your face might be beneficial...I say forget it. A should be for ANUSOL! That's right- it's bum cream but this really works! It tightens and firms your skin. Mix with foundation or use after moisturiser.

A is also for Apemen...you know the type- the ones who feel it necessary to grunt in bed. Only really acceptable if you're doing a dress-up fantasy Tarzan and Jane style. Do yourself a favour and dump the hairy brute before he loses all power of speech.

A is for Armani- fabulous if you can afford it, if not think strong lines, amazing cuts and simplistic stying.